We're an intriguing society. We will pay $10. or more (not including the popcorn) to watch films full of violent deaths; the more creative and grotesque and numerous those deaths, the more we applaud. We return to those film franchises because we know exactly what we will get--a director's effort to top the previous film with new and improved violent-death creativity.
But we shy away from discussing our own deaths, especially within our families. It's reasonable to assume that the discomfort in discussing our mortality with family members comes from fear of the unknown and the pain of finality in losing that face-to-face relationship with those we love. Even if we have faith in eternal life, why would we want to contemplate life here and now without the people we treasure most? It makes sense that many folks would take a "la-la-la-I'm-not-listening" deep denial approach. When we do talk about death, we rarely use that word, choosing instead euphemisms (of Greek origin for "well speaking") such as "kicking the bucket" or "buying the farm" or "pushing up daisies." We say our people "passed" or "made a transition" or "shuffled off this mortal coil" (all of which appeal to this English teacher--the last one is from Hamlet!) Even if the phrases we choose make little sense literally, we take comfort in skirting the reality that we will all at some point be making the same journey.
So why not talk about our plans? Do you know the intentions of your loved ones regarding their end-of-life choices? Why not ask? Why not have the discussion now, when everyone can discuss options, share perspectives, and make decisions?
In my medical terminology classes, I raise those questions and give my students an assignment to initiate that discussion with their families. I sometimes get comments on my evaluations from students indicating that they don't think it's right to discuss such topics in a medical terms course--even though most students will be going into a health care field. That tells me that our discomfort starts early and is deeply ingrained. I get that. I struggle and want to deny as well when I am at the bedside of a friend who is dying or when I am talking with a friend who has cancer or when I consider being without the people I love most. I don't enjoy contemplating my end-of-life plans, mostly because I feel like I'm just getting started and should have plenty of time. But I also don't want to force someone else to make those decisions for me when the time runs out.
So we've had the discussion in our household. There is a little heart on my driver's license. But because that is no guarantee that my wishes will be honored, I have also registered with the Indiana Donor Network as an organ donor. And I'm talking about these uncomfortable topics because when I die, I want my people outside our household to know what my choice is.
Not everyone wants to make that same choice, and that's fine. But please let your people know so that when the time comes, they will choose what you would prefer to choose. Doesn't that seem like a nice gift to give to the people you love?
